A note left for a pianist from his wife

Whats the difference between a piano and a tuna?
          You can't tuna fish.

 

---

Why was the piano invented?

So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the 
foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

The audience at a piano recital was appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
            They rarely strike the same place twice.

The piano player went into a bar but kept fidgeting so much that he could not enjoy his drink. Finally the bartender asked him what was wrong. The piano player replied, "My keys, my keys! I can't seem to find my keys!"

A pianist is playing in a seedy, Mafia-owned tavern in South Jersey..it's 11:55 PM, and he's 5 minutes away from the end of his gig. The owner's assistant comes up to the pianist and says:

"Da boss wants you should play Strangers In Da Nite."
The pianist says: "Okay, no problem."

The henchman continues: "Da boss wants you should play it in F#"...
The pianist says "I usually play it in F, but no problem!"

The henchman goes on: "Da boss wants you should play it in 5/4 time."
The pianist says "But the song is in 4/4 time...How am I supposed to do that?"
Henchman asks him: "Look, you want paid or not?"

So the pianist improvises an introduction, and as he gets to the opening notes of the song, he hears, in a really ugly, raspy voice behind him:

"Strangers in-da-friggin' night....exchanging glances; Strangers in-da-friggin' night ..."

• Musician Jokes

What do you call a musician who just broke up with his girlfriend?

            Homeless.

What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

What do you call a musician without a significant other?

Homeless.

Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?

Because most shops close by six thirty.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

What's the difference between a musician and a fourteen-inch pizza?
        A fourteen-inch pizza can feed a family of four.

The stages of a musician's life:

1. Who is name?
2. Get me name.
3. Get me someone who sounds like name.
4. Get me a young name.
5. Who is name?

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Goodness!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man says, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a school teacher."

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a musician."

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen ..."

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

Three guys are in a bar and begin discussing anual incomes. The first guy brags and says that he made $136,000 last year with salary and bonuses. The second guy inquires, "What do you sell?" The second guy then tops the first by bragging that his total anual income was $410,000 due to stock options and investments. The first guy is impressed and asks, "Who is your broker?" The first and second guy look at the third and ask, "How much money did you make last year?". The third guy replies rather embarassed, "$52,000" The second guy replies, "We had no idea you were a musician. What instrument do you play?"

• Miscellaneous Music Jokes

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
        Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

These jokes are so bad I can't Handel them.
They make me Lizstless.
They can be too Mendlesohm.
You'd better go out Bach and stay in Haydn.

"I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds." - Mark Twain

A little boy was complaining to his friend, "My mom won't let me watch public television anymore!"
"Why not?" his friend asked incredulously.
"Because it has too much sax and violins!!"

Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
      A: New age music.

Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
      A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

Q: What happens when you play country western music backwards?
      A: You get your pickup truck back, your dog returns to life, and you get back your job at the car wash.

Q: What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?
      A: He decomposes.